


I'm Not Ready To Go (Probably Won't Ever Be)

by moritzofsuburbia



Category: VIXX
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Manipulation, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, N being a flirty asshole, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Physical Abuse, Stripper!N, Strippers, abuse recovery, awkward lapdance, awkward leo, strip club au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-07-22 07:11:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7425094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moritzofsuburbia/pseuds/moritzofsuburbia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For some reason, Taekwoon's friends decide to drag him to a gay strip club for Wonshik's bachelor party. For some reason, Taekwoon lets them. For some reason (a reason who goes by the name of N), he doesn't want to stop coming back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

None of this had been any part of Taekwoon’s plan. Not that he’d even _had_ a plan, because, well, why would he? The strip club had been Wonshik’s bright idea, and of course Taekwoon had been dumb enough to let himself get dragged along. His friend had played the guilt card-- “come on, Taekwoonie, it’s my bachelor party, I _have_ to have my best friend there”-- and when Taekwoon finally gave a reluctant agreement, Wonshik’s expression broke once more into a smile. “Perfect! Be at my house at ten and we’ll head over there, okay? Believe me, you’re going to love it.”

Well, love wasn’t exactly the emotion Taekwoon was experiencing once he was sitting at the bar with a glass in his hand, trying very hard not to look at the half-dressed dancer (stripper?) entertaining men about ten feet away from where he sat. He swirled the drink around in the glass, only taking a sip every minute or so. He couldn’t let himself get drunk, even though they’d be taking a cab back. He didn’t plan to give Wonshik the satisfaction and amusement of seeing him without his inhibitions. Speaking of Wonshik, was that him with the dancer now? He seemed to be whispering something in the man’s ear, though whispering didn’t seem like an effective form of communication with the music blaring and pounding through the club. And then Taekwoon saw Wonshik slip a few dollar bills into the waistband of the guy’s pants, and he had to quickly flick his eyes away again.

Maybe he’d just go ahead and leave early without the others. They wouldn’t notice, and anyway, Wonshik had looked like he was about to be too busy to notice his friend missing. Almost a shame, the dancer really was gorgeous. Taekwoon was almost tempted to glance over again and get a better look at him…

_No. Get your shit together, let’s go._

He turned to set the glass down on the counter, placing a tip beneath it. But he wasn’t even given time to stand from the bar stool, because when he turned back around, standing in his way was the stripper he’d seen with Wonshik. If Taekwoon hadn’t looked away after the money was exchanged, he would have seen Wonshik gesturing in his direction, he would have seen the playful smile on the stripper’s face at his friend’s request, he would have seen him make his way over to the bar as Wonshik gestured to their friends to watch, saying _"this is about to get good."_

Taekwoon’s eyes flickered down to avoid the other man’s, and he muttered an ‘excuse me,’ which proved to be ineffective as he was coaxed backward into the seat once more and struck with the realization that he wasn’t going anywhere.

“Leaving so soon?” The dancer smirked, clearly enjoying himself, his hands resting on the edge of the bar on either side of Taekwoon and effectively trapping him in place. His body dipped lower, in time with the music, hips swaying, eyes dancing over Taekwoon’s figure in a way that suggested he liked what he was seeing.

Oh god, he was getting a lapdance. From a stripper. A very attractive stripper.

The stripper was biting his plump bottom lip as he moved his hands from the counter to Taekwoon’s shoulders, sliding them down his front teasingly but stopping when they reached his stomach. He was tall enough that he could stand over Taekwoon, straddling his hips over the bar stool and rolling them without making contact in the way that Taekwoon was starting to wish they’d make contact.

Somewhere behind all the music and noises of the crowd, he could hear laughter, and he knew that if he dared to look up he’d see Wonshik and the others watching him squirm under the pressure of the awkward situation. Thing is, it actually might not have been so awkward if they weren’t there, if this whole thing had been voluntary and he’d seen it coming rather than having the dancer drop unexpectedly into his lap. He might have actually enjoyed it, and when he felt their hips brush together for the quickest moment, _oh god_ , he might have actually lifted his hips to hold the contact.

Instead, he tried to focus his thoughts on how he was going to kick Wonshik’s ass as soon as they got out of there.

Taekwoon didn’t mean to catch the dancer's gaze, but it was hard to avoid once he realized how pretty he was up close. His smile didn’t stop at his lips, it reached his almond eyes in a way that made him look very amused. Well, the guy probably _was_ amused, considering how flustered Taekwoon was over a simple dance. The stripper hardly even touched him -- apart from when he’d had his hands on his chest, and the torturously brief contact of their hips -- clubs had rules about that, didn’t they? And then his thoughts were interrupted, because the current song ended and so did the dance. The stripper moved himself off of Taekwoon’s lap, dragging his hands once more down the front of his shirt as he did so. “Loosen up a bit, yeah? Let yourself have some fun,” he said with a smirk, and he teasingly blew him a kiss before walking off.

It couldn’t have been Taekwoon’s imagination when he thought he saw the man’s eyes linger on his for a second too long before he turned away.

“Your face, oh my _god_ , you looked totally mortified.” That was Wonshik’s voice, followed by his laughter, and if Taekwoon wasn’t blushing before, he certainly was then.

“Fuck off,” was his very eloquent response. Any mortification on his face was because of the spontaneity of the situation, and most of all the fact that he was being _watched_ while it happened. At least the embarrassment had hidden other things that he’d much rather the others not know he was feeling.

“Oh, come on, if I hadn’t paid him to give you that little show then you would have just left, and then what would you have to say about your first ever visit to a strip club? That you sat around with a drink in your hand while your buddies were having a good time and you were being a killjoy? I did you a favor.” Wonshik smirked, giving Taekwoon a wink before nudging his arm. “Alright, now if you really want to go, I won’t stop you. My work here is done.”

“Who was he, anyway?” Taekwoon asked, trying to sound indifferent, which wasn’t difficult considering the normal inflection of his voice always sounded quite unaffected.

“How am I supposed to know? Just one of the strippers, I don’t come to this club often enough to know names.” He shrugged, and Taekwoon brushed his curiosity off. It didn’t matter, anyway. He’d never see the guy again -- and that thought caused him a rather unexpected twinge of regret.


	2. Chapter 2

It wasn’t until the next weekend that Taekwoon finally made the decision to visit the nightclub once again. It wasn’t an easy one. The cons seemed to far outweigh the pros, yet the memory of that one dancer’s playful smile eventually won him over. In the back of his mind, he knew nothing would come of it. Most likely, he’d just see the stripper who’d given him the lapdance and he’d leave five minutes later because he’d be much too nervous to approach him, let alone _say_ anything. How were you even supposed to speak to someone in a place that loud? Taekwoon’s friends were constantly making him flinch simply by getting a little too loud a little too unexpectedly (though he should have been used to that by now, from that group). Wonshik and Sanghyuk and even Hongbin. If Taekwoon still got anxious around his friends at times, then voluntarily returning to an overcrowded noise-filled strip club didn’t exactly seem like a valuable use of his time.

But regardless of that fact, a week later, he found himself once more outside the club, in front of the neon sign reading “VIXX” in overwhelmingly bright letters-- this time, without his friends. As annoyingly raucous as they could be, at least last time he had the favorable option of hiding behind them.

Just like the first time he’d entered the place, music and voices poured out as soon as the door was opened. He had to take a deep breath to prepare himself and keep anxiety from taking hold of him as it so often did in crowds.

_Five seconds in, five seconds out._

The fact that most of this crowd was either drinking or dancing rather suggestively -- or cheering on those who were dancing suggestively -- certainly didn’t help. Drinking hadn’t been part of his plan tonight, but maybe some alcohol really _was_ needed to take the edge off.

Still, when he ended up sitting at the bar once again, it was with a full glass that his lips didn't even touch. It was better than being in the middle of the crowd, though. Too much noise and movement, and anyway, the lack of distractions at the bar made it easier to watch the stage and look for the dancer he’d seen a week ago.

 _This is ridiculous_ , Taekwoon reminded himself, giving in and raising the glass to his mouth for the smallest sip. _What will you even do if you see him? You can’t even fucking speak, how do you expect to see him dance again without blushing like an idiot?_

At least last time had only been a brief lapdance, and Taekwoon hadn't had to initiate it himself. He didn’t think he’d be able to even look the man in the eye again if he watched him methodically stripping off his clothes up on that stage.

It wasn’t even necessarily the thought of seeing him dance again that drew Taekwoon in (though he did feel something quite akin to butterflies in his stomach at the idea). He’d never been one for clubs, strip or otherwise, and he’d certainly never planned to visit one voluntarily. And he wished he could have met that man with the bright smile and fluid body in _any_ other setting, because when he flashed that smile at Taekwoon and blew a playful kiss, he wasn’t just somebody who showed his body off for money. And sure, maybe that was a ridiculous and unfair assumption to make about a person in the first place. But having that assumption disproved made Taekwoon want to know the person behind the dark eyes and bright smile.

He found himself casually wondering if he had a favorite color, and what it might be.

Taekwoon was about to give up on the whole idea and head back to his apartment before a man slid into the seat next to him, very clearly looking at him like he wanted to start a conversation.

_Someone wanting interaction? In a place where people literally come to meet other people? Couldn’t have seen that one coming._

“Well _hello_ ,” the man started, a smooth and pretty voice that Taekwoon very pointedly ignored. “You new here? Never seen you before.”

Taekwoon’s solution was to pretend he hadn’t heard the man speak, and he lifted his glass to his lips again, not even drinking but just going through the motions. It might have been easier to talk to someone if he wasn’t surrounded by people, if it wasn’t so _loud_ … and if he couldn’t have seen the revealing way the man was dressed in his peripheral vision.

“Do you work here?” Taekwoon asked, figuring the answer was already apparent. The dancer he’d seen here last weekend was dressed (or undressed) in quite a similar fashion, as was the one he could see on the stage now across the room. But that was not the person he was looking for, and neither was the man seated next to him.

“How’d you guess? Am I that pretty?” The man laughed, seeming to be satisfied he’d finally gained Taekwoon’s attention. “You can call me Ken. Just saw you sitting alone over here and thought I’d make sure you were enjoying the whole experience, y’know?”

“I’m looking for someone,” he blurted out (as much as he was capable of blurting something in such a shy, hushed voice).

“What was that, love?”

Taekwoon cringed slightly at the nickname, although it was probably better than some other things he could’ve expected to be called in a place like this. “I’m looking for someone,” he repeated, in a voice much louder than he was accustomed to using around strangers, though it probably came out at a very normal level.

“Ah, no problem, I’ll leave you be. Hope he’s cute,” Ken added with a wink, hopping up from the bar stool.

“No, I mean, yes, but… ah...  It’s someone who works here.”

“Oh?” Interested, he raised a curious eyebrow. “Well then, looks like you’ve gotta tell me who it is. I can help you find the guy.”

“I… I don’t know his name.” The regret for coming here was definitely sinking in, out of embarrassment if nothing else. Here he was, wanting to see this man again and he didn’t even know his name, didn’t even know what to tell Ken help him find him. Didn’t even know what he’d do once he _did_ find him. “He’s a stri-- um, a dancer, I saw him here last weekend. He was tan, had a wide smile--" _Moved his hips like a god..._

“You mean N? Oh my god, N’s got an admirer.” Ken laughed, seeming to find the whole situation very funny. “You’re in luck, he’s here tonight, performed about a half hour ago actually. Sorry you had to miss him. He’s almost as good as me, but unfortunately for you, I’ve also already been onstage for tonight.” Taekwoon’s mind was struggling with finding a way to either end the conversation quickly or find the courage to ask where this N might be, but he didn’t have to worry because Ken carried on. The guy was just as talkative as Taekwoon was silent. “So what’s the story with you and N? I didn’t think he was involved with anyone.”

“Oh, no, I didn’t mean-- We’re not-- I’ve only seen him the one time.”

“Oh?”

“My dumbass friend was just messing around, paid him to give me a lapdance--”

“So _that’s_ what you’re here for.” Ken smirked, drawing out the word in a rather mischievous way. “Why didn’t you say so?”

“No, that’s not--”

“Tell you what, now that he’s done performing, I’ll let him know you’re here. I’m sure he’ll be very flattered you remembered him.” Ken was gone before Taekwoon could protest, with nothing more than a wink before disappearing into the crowd.

Well, shit.

Would it have been rude to leave before Ken could return? Taekwoon would’ve felt bad causing such an inconvenience, but with every minute he spent here it was starting to seem like a more stupid idea. Ken clearly just wanted a front row seat to whatever drama might unfold. And N? Taekwoon had no idea what he would make of this.

He was gone from the bar as soon as he could tear himself away from the safety of his seat. At least sitting there, he had been capable of keeping an eye on his surroundings, making him feel a bit more in control and thus allowing his anxiety to subside. Once standing, he wasn’t offered quite that much comfort, but he tried to hold onto it by keeping to the wall. There definitely wasn’t a single place in the club where he could have gotten away from the noise, but standing on the fringes offered him protection from one side, at least. And would make it easier for him to find his way to the door.

The location really was the biggest downside to this whole thing, wasn’t it? Taekwoon wasn’t exactly skilled at meeting people, regardless, but being in the middle of a noisy and lewd nightclub didn’t make things any easier. He would never understand how people could come here for the sole purpose of meeting others-- then again, it wasn’t always so much about getting to know the person, was it?

Taekwoon jolted when he felt a touch on his shoulder. The hand immediately withdrew. “Did I scare you?” A laugh followed the question, the question asked in a voice that Taekwoon recognized, and he spun around to meet the eyes of N. “I have to say, you weren’t the first person I would’ve expected to become a regular, but I’m not complaining.”

There was that smile again, and it made Taekwoon wish he could have smiled back in a way that was just as friendly. “Hi.”

“Hi,” N repeated, the tone of his voice suggesting that he was amused by the simple greeting.

“Do you flirt with everyone you meet here?” Taekwoon was starting to feel a bit bolder now. Or maybe he just didn’t expect N to be able to hear the question over the music and voices, but he certainly did.

“No, just the guys I think are cute.” N smirked, and Taekwoon prayed that the colored lights from the ceiling could hide the red in his cheeks. “So you _can_ talk. I didn’t get to hear your voice last time. Are you gonna ask me for another dance? Or was Ken just messing with me?”

Taekwoon added Ken to the growing mental list of people whose asses he needed to kick.

“You know, you could always dance _with_ me, if you want,” N continued to fill the silence. “I’ll bet you’ve got it in you.”

“What? No, I really don’t,” but N’s body was already beginning to move with the music, his hands somehow finding their way to Taekwoon’s shoulders, and suddenly Taekwoon wasn’t quite sure what to do with his own hands. So much of N’s shoulders were exposed by the wide neckline of the loose shirt he was wearing, and if Taekwoon had made it to the club just a little earlier he could’ve seen N’s beautiful hands pulling that shirt off, but he tried not to think about that. He didn’t allow himself to think of the material being peeled off N’s skin as N peeled Taekwoon away from the wall, and he certainly didn’t think about the positively sinful way that N’s hips were moving perfectly along with the music, as though this song was written specifically for his body to perform. His hips were what caused the beat to pulse, the fluid movements of his body were what drew out each note.

N’s hands left Taekwoon’s shoulders, his dance becoming a solo one, but Taekwoon didn’t mind because it meant he was free to watch. But it would have been rude to just stand there and stare, wouldn’t it? He tried to move, an amateur mimicry of N’s motions. He couldn’t stop himself from letting his eyes dart away every few seconds, just to make sure nobody had started watching him. He might have melted into a pool of shame if they had. It was bad enough that N had his eyes on him, especially considering the expressions that the stripper made when he danced, looking like he was having a very good time. A little too much of a good time.

N had to be aware that he was making those faces, right?

As the upbeat song came to an abrupt end, Taekwoon expected N to finish and be off to dance for others. What he didn’t expect was for the man to ask him, “How about another? You do have it in you, you just need someone to guide you along.” N’s smile was just on the verge of turning into a smirk, and this was where Taekwoon questioned if the man really was flirting with him or if this was all just a joke. After all, N had said that he only flirted with people he thought were cute, and that statement made the butterflies return to Taekwoon’s stomach, but it also made him think that N probably used that line on everyone. After all, he made his money by entertaining people here. Why should Taekwoon have taken his flirty statements with anything more than a grain of salt?

“Actually, I should probably get going.” Taekwoon flinched when the next song began with a very abrupt drumbeat.

N pouted, but didn’t protest. “Alright, if you’re sure. Will I have the pleasure of seeing you here again?”

“I don’t know,” Taekwoon answered, honestly. “Maybe.”

N nodded, looking like he might have wanted to ask him to stay, but the smile soon found it’s way back onto his face. “Alright, a ‘maybe’ is good enough for me. Until next time, pretty boy?” He waved with his fingers, starting to turn away.

“I’m Taekwoon, by the way.”

From the look on N’s face, he was glad for the excuse to turn back around. “Hakyeon.” he offered a hand for the other to shake, and Taekwoon found that this time when they touched, he didn’t feel the shame that made his eyes dart away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, I'm slow at updating. Unfortunately the next chapter will probably come just as slowly but I'm trying to stay motivated for this story, I have a lot of ideas for it still! Sorry I named the club VIXX I'm not creative with names. And yes, Ken is a stripper, I didn't intend for him to be in the fic this early on but here we are. As always, feedback is welcome!


	3. Chapter 3

“Hi.”

It wasn’t the first thing one normally thought to say when receiving a lapdance, but all other words seemed to escape Taekwoon when Hakyeon’s body was practically on top of his, so close but not close enough.

“Well, hi to you too.”

At least Hakyeon seemed happy enough to play along.

It had taken two weeks, this time, for Taekwoon to build up the courage to return. Enough courage to return and find Hakyeon, who may or may not have been teasing when he told Taekwoon he’d have to pay this time if he wanted another dance. Holding onto the streak of boldness he hadn’t expected to find, Taekwoon copied what Wonshik had done all those weeks ago and slid his payment into the waistline of Hakyeon’s pants.

He desperately hoped he wasn’t making him uncomfortable. Regardless of the fact that this was something the dancer was very much used to, it was certainly not something that Taekwoon was.

That was how he ended up with Hakyeon in his lap once more, because it was the only chance he ever had to communicate with him. And that was all he wanted to do, communicate. Taekwoon was definitely not looking at Hakyeon’s lips and thinking about how nice they would be to kiss. And he certainly wasn’t letting his eyes rest on the long expanse of his neck or the dip above his exposed collarbone or his bare chest, because that would have meant that Taekwoon was attracted to this man who called himself N, and that would have been a definite problem for the both of them.

“Um, it’s nice to see you again.”

“Pleasure’s all mine.” Hakyeon’s hips rolled dangerously close to Taekwoon’s. “Well, I guess some of it is yours too.”

“How have you been?”

The question had been intended to sound natural, conversational -- which was exactly the problem. Clearly, a conversational tone was supposed to be reserved for when the other person was _not_ currently dancing in your lap. _He’s going to think I’m a complete idiot._

Taekwoon caught Hakyeon looking, for the first time, truly surprised. “Good, I suppose.” The dancer didn’t pause in his movements, and couldn’t resist adding, “Better now that you’re back.”

Taekwoon cleared his throat. He hated being unable to tell if Hakyeon’s flirting was serious, or if it was something he did with everyone as part of his job. He didn’t allow himself to hope for the former. There wasn’t anything he could do if that was the case, anyway, he wouldn’t have the skill with words that Hakyeon had in a million years.

“So, um… What do you like to do? You know, when you’re not working. I don’t know, I’m just making conversation--”

“You know, most guys just jizz their pants and move on.”

“Ah… Well, yeah, but… I mean…”

Was that a giggle that he heard? “Alright.” Hakyeon settled himself on Taekwoon’s lap, a leg straddling him on either side of the seat. “If you want to get to know me so badly, why not just give me your number?”

 _Because I can’t even begin to think how I would make those words come out of my mouth_. “I guess I didn’t think of that as an option.”

“No?”

“Tons of guys probably flirt with you here.”

“Sure they do. But they’re very rarely guys that I like in return.”

“Oh.”

“That means I like you, in case you didn’t get that,” Hakyeon teased. Then he reached behind himself, and Taekwoon was surprised to see him pull a little pen from the back pocket of his very tight pants. Almost like he'd been ready for this. “Write it on me.”

“ _On_ you?”

“Yes. Go ahead, write it anywhere.” Taekwoon hesitated, clearly intimidated by the suggestion of ‘anywhere,’ when Hakyeon continued. “How about this? The more creative you are with where you write it, the sooner I’ll call.”

 _Oh_. Uncapping the pen, he held it out for Taekwoon to take, which he did automatically. He was too surprised to do anything else.

Taekwoon considered his options. It would have been easiest to go for his arm, or maybe his collarbone, or even his exposed thigh if he was really willing to risk embarrassment. And Hakyeon clearly expected someone as shy as Taekwoon to take the easy way out, which was why he raised an eyebrow in amusement when Taekwoon rested his fingers cautiously at Hakyeon’s hip. His touch was feather-light, not used to being this intimate with someone who was, for the most part, a stranger. Taekwoon’s thumb brushed the edge of Hakyeon’s pants, pushing the waistline no more than a couple centimeters down. Not far at all, but the implication was enough to take Hakyeon by surprise, considering how shy Taekwoon had been up to now. He could just see Hakyeon’s hipbones, jutting out ever so slightly. And on the expanse of skin between those hipbones, he carefully pressed the tip of the pen.

He wrote slowly, sure to make the numbers legible. And maybe he was taking too long, because halfway through, in his peripheral vision he saw Hakyeon bite his bottom lip, roll his head back, heard him sigh, putting on a show that was clearly meant to embarrass him.

It was working.

Printing the last number, Taekwoon was glad to finally be able to cap the pen and hand it back to a very amused-looking Hakyeon. “I hope I’ll hear from you soon, then.”

“I’m sure you will, pretty boy."

“Seriously, do you have _any_ food in your apartment?” Hongbin called from the kitchen. Behind the noise of the television, Taekwoon could hear him opening and shutting the cabinet doors.

“If you aren’t happy with what’s in my fridge, then you can order out,” he tossed back, attention vaguely fixed on flipping through channels. Taekwoon had been sprawled out lazily on the couch when his friend arrived, and he was still sprawled out lazily on the couch now with no foreseeable plans to move. His whole body felt drained, but Hongbin’s company was still nice to have after the stressful work day.

“Ordering out takes too long,” the aforementioned friend complained, sitting himself down on the opposite end of the couch.

“Then make some instant ramen. Pop some popcorn. I’m not to blame for your laziness.”

“True, but you _are_ to blame for the lack of food in this place. It should be a crime.”

“Not like I have much time for shopping. Or, you know, cooking.”

“Right. Big businessman is always doing his business-y things.” Yet again Hongbin gravitated back to the kitchen, to throw some popcorn in the microwave, because it was better than nothing.

It wasn’t as though this business had exactly been Taekwoon’s first choice, but then again, he’d been given very few choices when it came to inheriting the stupid thing from his parents. He just thought he would’ve had more time -- time to get a simple job that would at least hold him out until he could figure out what he really wanted to do. Didn’t think business would be forced on him as soon as he was out of high school, and he certainly thought he would’ve at least been able to afford more than this little apartment after the fact.

It was big enough for himself, though, and a friend every once in awhile. Usually Hongbin (who was now returning with his bowl of popcorn), sometimes Wonshik, and sometimes Sanghyuk on good days when Taekwoon could tolerate the kid.

Taekwoon gave up on channel surfing and immediately stole a handful of popcorn as Hongbin sat down, but the other wasn’t given time to protest. A phone was ringing from the coffee table, it could have been either his own or Hongbin’s because they both had the same generic ringtone. So Taekwoon was lazy about checking to see whose it was, honestly not really wanting to move, until Hongbin commented, “Unknown number. Who’s calling you?”

Taekwoon started at the realization that it was _his_ phone ringing, and that there was a good chance it was _Hakyeon_ calling. “Nobody.” He reached to take the phone, which Hongbin promptly snatched away.

“Nobody? I know what a vague answer like that means from you.” Hongbin smirked, but thankfully allowed Taekwoon’s hand to reach the phone the second time. “Taekwoon, do you have a boyfriend?”

“Why, are you jealous?”

“If it means I’m losing my chance with you, maybe. You’re breaking my heart,” Hongbin said in a falsely dramatic tone, but Taekwoon was already answering the call.

So, he was wrong on his previous assumption -- something _had_ been able to make him move from his fixed spot on the couch.

“Hakyeon?”

“Pretty boy?” Taekwoon could practically _hear_ him smiling.

“I suppose that’s me.”

“It’s nice to hear your voice without a noisy club in the background. What are you up to?”

“I’m just at home with a friend. Nothing important.” Taekwoon quickly tried to dodge the handful of popcorn thrown his way.

“You sure? I’m not interrupting anything?”

“Not at all.”

“I was going to see if you felt up for meeting tonight. You know, somewhere where you don’t have to have me grinding on you in order to get my attention. Not that you didn’t enjoy that, I’m sure.”

Taekwoon’s face went pink from embarrassment.

“Hey, sorry, just playing around,” Hakyeon followed up. “I really would like to spend some time with you, you know?”

“I think I’d like that.” Taekwoon would have preferred to have more time to talk on the phone before immediately arranging something, but as it was, maybe it would be less nerve-wracking to talk to Hakyeon when Hongbin wasn’t there listening to Taekwoon’s end of the conversation. “We can meet at my place, if you’d like.”

“Your place?” Hakyeon seemed a bit surprised at the suggestion, but not unpleasantly so. More like he just hadn’t expected Taekwoon to be so forward, so soon (and frankly, Taekwoon didn’t realize just how forward the invitation sounded until it had already left his lips).

“If you’d rather go somewhere else… Or, you know, if you’d rather just wait and meet up another time, it’s no problem…”

“Never said there was a problem. You worry too much,” Hakyeon teased. He seemed to enjoy Taekwoon’s reactions to being teased, even when he wasn’t there to see the blush rise in his cheeks. Taekwoon gave him the address to his apartment, having to repeat himself a couple times as Hakyeon scrawled it down on a scrap of paper. “I guess I’ll be seeing you soon, then.”

When Taekwoon hung up, Hongbin was still watching him, eating his popcorn as though this was all a very interesting TV show. Thankfully he wasn’t bombarding Taekwoon with questions yet. That would have been more Sanhyuk's style. Taekwoon crossed his arms. “Why would you ask me if I had a boyfriend, anyway?”

“Well, wasn’t I right? Hakyeon’s not a girl’s name.”

“Still no reason to assume.”

“Alright, I’ll play. Taekwoon, do you have a _girlfriend_?”

“No. I have a boyfriend.” Not correct, but the combination of an exasperated and surprised look on Hongbin’s face made the exaggeration worth it. “Or, I _might_ have a boyfriend. That is, if you don’t scare him away first.”

“Hey, we both know Wonshik would be the most likely one to do that, not me. But don’t worry, I’ll get out of your way once he gets here and you guys can have all the fun you want. I’d better be getting home soon anyway, just let me take my popcorn, yeah?”

Taekwoon smirked, picking a couple pieces of thrown popcorn off his sweater and tossing them back at Hongbin, too quick for him to catch. “It’s all yours.”

Hakyeon must have been the only person Taekwoon knew who could make an oversized white t-shirt, jeans, and a plain jacket look like he’d stepped out of a fashion magazine.

Seeing him outside the setting of VIXX, with it’s neon lights and pulsing music, shouldn’t have been so strange. It wasn’t even strange because of the knowledge of what Hakyeon did for a living, really. Perhaps it was strange because Taekwoon was finally seeing him without simultaneously having to deal with an anxiety-inducing crowd and an awkward lapdance. Either way, when Taekwoon opened the door and Hakyeon gave him his wide smile and little finger wave, he was immediately reminded that the circumstances of this visit were just so far from anything he was used to.

He didn’t go to clubs, he certainly didn’t pick people up from them, most certainly not people who _worked_ there. God help him when Wonshik found out about this.

“Are you gonna invite me in, or just stand there admiring how pretty I am?”

Taekwoon was almost worried that he’d made a fool out of himself already, before even ten seconds of Hakyeon’s visit had gone by, but he calmed down when the dancer laughed. He moved to let him in, but the person who made use of the doorway came from the other side of it.

“Sorry,” Hongbin began, “I’ll just be leaving now… Hey, wait, have I seen you somewhere before?”

Oh fuck. Oh, no. Hongbin had been at the bachelor party.

“Hongbin, this is Hakyeon. Hakyeon, Hongbin.” Taekwoon aimed to get the introductions over with before Hongbin figured out just where he’d seen the man before, but Hakyeon was unfazed and took his time by reaching out to shake Hongbin’s hand. “Nice to meet you.”

For a moment it looked like Hongbin would drop his suspicions and move on, until his eyes widened. “Oh -- _Oh, you’re the_ \--”

Taekwoon was practically pushing Hongbin out the door at that point. “Okay, Hongbin, get home safe, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“You be safe too, if you know what I mean,” Hongbin said under his breath -- shit, Hakyeon hadn’t heard that, had he? -- and Taekwoon smacked his shoulder in a silent punishment. “Okay, I’m going, I’m going, you two have fun!”

_Asshole._

“Your friend seems nice. Should I be flattered that he recognized me?”

“You should be thankful it was him and not one of my other friends. I would’ve had to practically shove either Wonshik or Sanghyuk out the door.” He helped Hakyeon with hanging up his jacket, something that seemed to amuse the other -- he heard him murmur the words _such a gentleman_ under his breath.

“You’ve got such a nice place.” The awe in Hakyeon’s voice almost sounded faked to Taekwoon’s ears. It had to be.

“It’s just an apartment,” he replied, puzzled.

“Well, where I come from, the word ‘apartment’ is synonymous with the word ‘shithole.’ This is a definite upgrade.”

“Ah, it’s not that great,” Taekwoon continued to insist. In the middle of his statement, he caught the way Hakyeon cast his eyes downward, in an almost embarrassed way. Perhaps he hadn’t meant to let something like that slip about the place he lived.

“I should’ve at least cleaned up that popcorn that Hongbin threw, _goddamn it_ , I thought he took care of that…”

“Really, Taekwoon.” It was the first time he’d said his name out loud, and it broke him out of his momentary worry over the state of his apartment. “Don’t worry. It’s a nice place. And I really am happy to be here.”

Well, shit, there he had to go being flirty again. Or _was_ that flirting? Maybe it was just a casual comment and Taekwoon was just dumb. He didn’t get flirted with, so how the hell was he supposed to know?

“Ah, you can look around if you’d like,” he offered. Shit -- should he have offered him something to eat or drink first? Whenever his friends came over, they went straight for the kitchen, whether Taekwoon offered anything or not. The problem was, he just wasn’t used to having someone unfamiliar at his place, it was always just his three friends, whom he’d known for so long that they’d abandoned most formalities.

The unfamiliar situation made him nervous, especially considering that he was so determined to make a good impression on Hakyeon. Why? Maybe because Hakyeon seemed so difficult to impress.

_Of course he is, being flirted with is practically an unspoken requirement of his job._

At least he did take Taekwoon up on the offer to look around. And when they did, he couldn’t conceal the same wonder that had been in his eyes when he mentioned what a nice place this was. It made Taekwoon curious about what he’d said before -- _‘where I come from, the word ‘apartment’ is synonymous with the word ‘shithole’_ \-- but not curious enough to ask about something so private. Not for the first time, he considered if Hakyeon’s job was something he’d chosen, or a matter that he’d had no choice in. If it was something he was doing only because of the money.

But if that was the case, then how could he move his body as though he’d been blessed by angels that Taekwoon didn’t believe in?

Such questions only made him more curious about this person he’d met in such an unusual situation and somehow taken an interest to. They made him think about his layers that he wanted to peel back, to find the answers to his inexplicably random questions, they made him think of even more inexplicably random questions. As they made their way through the apartment, as Taekwoon going through the motions of showing him around, he couldn’t get the questions out of his head.

And then they ended up in Taekwoon’s room, seated on the edge of the bed. It made him a little nervous, the way Hakyeon subtly shifted closer to him.

“So,” Hakyeon began, although he didn’t seem about to continue his sentence. There was the same element of cheerfulness in his voice that there usually was when he talked to Taekwoon, but with the same undertone of teasing as the time he said the words, ‘ _write it anywhere_.’

“So,” Taekwoon repeated, a little quieter, making the corners of Hakyeon’s lips quirk up in a little smirk. “What’s your favorite color?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, that took me a lot longer to update than planned. Don't worry though, I do plan to finish this one! There's still quite a way to go.


	4. Chapter 4

As it turned out, getting to know Hakyeon became easier than Taekwoon originally thought. Taekwoon was more than happy to let the other do most of the talking, an arrangement that seemed to work well for the both of them.

“Do you believe in aliens?” he asked one morning, when they woke up in his bed with their limbs tangled despite the fact that nothing more than talking and cuddling had happened all night.

“Oh my god, don’t even get me _started_ on aliens,” Hakyeon replied, sounding very much like Taekwoon had already gotten him started on aliens. He gestured up towards the ceiling, and presumably the sky beyond it. “Okay, when you think about just how vast and never-ending the universe is, it’s just insane to think that our tiny little speck of a planet is the only place with any form of life. The only place in this _infinite_ space with creatures that can breathe, and think, and learn. And you know, there’s a chance that the hypothetical life out there could be so far beyond anything that exists on earth, so when -- what are you looking at?”

Mid-rant, Hakyeon noticed the way Taekwoon’s eyes had been curiously glued to him, but even once he was called out on his staring, Taekwoon didn’t look away. “I’m just listening. I like listening to you.”

This wasn’t the first time they’d woken up at Taekwoon’s apartment, in his bed, going on and on about whatever topic their sleepy minds first came up with. In fact, this became quite a regular occurrence, after Hakyeon’s first visit a few weeks ago in which Taekwoon had occupied the silence by asking the simplest questions and hanging onto every word of Hakyeon’s answers.

During that initial conversation, as Taekwoon was prone to do, he’d started worrying. After all, Hakyeon probably thought Taekwoon had led him on, or something. There they were at his apartment, sitting on his _bed_ , and Taekwoon wasn’t stupid, he knew you didn’t typically pick someone up from a strip club to be friends with them. Yet all he could do was talk. Well, it was less talking on his part and more listening.

But the listening was the one thing that made his worries mostly subside. Hakyeon rather seemed to enjoy talking to him, and he seemed to enjoy letting him listen too.

The two of them hardly even thought about the fact that for the past few weeks they’d been getting together like this, and never had they gone any further than cuddling and falling asleep with an arm around the other. It was enough. No, it was more than enough. It made Hakyeon never want to leave Taekwoon’s bed.

Eventually Wonshik did find out, as Taekwoon had known he would.

“And when were you planning on telling _me_ about this?”

Taekwoon shrugged, taking a sip of his coffee. “Was I supposed to ask for your approval?”

“No, you were supposed let me know that I’m the reason you’re finally talking to someone other than me, Hongbin, and Sanghyuk, so that I can take credit for your relationship. I feel pretty accomplished, actually.”

“It’s not even a relationship,” Taekwoon countered, disappointing himself a little with his own words. It was true, neither him nor Hakyeon had dared to bring up whatever this was yet. But Wonshik still didn’t move on.

“And the fact that you’re dating a stripper, of all people! I mean, knowing you, it’s just--”

“He is not a stripper,” Taekwoon argued back instinctively. “He’s…”

Wonshik looked at him, eyebrow cocked, like he couldn’t wait for his friend’s explanation. “Oh yeah? What is he?”

“He’s… he’s an exotic dancer.”

That made Wonshik laugh so hard that Taekwoon was surprised he didn’t end up choking on his coffee. Since it probably would have been frowned upon for Taekwoon to throw his own cup at him, he settled for kicking him under the table.

So Taekwoon no longer had to venture to the strip club to find Hakyeon, not when the two of them were so eager to meet outside of their work every chance they got. Taekwoon remained as busy as always, but he could push through each day with the knowledge that he would be seeing Hakyeon that night or the next. Even on nights when Hakyeon worked late, Taekwoon would still be up and going through his work at home. And that was when he’d get a text or call around 2 am, asking what was up. Ten minutes later, Hakyeon would be there, and they’d talk until they passed out.

Hakyeon never asked anything of Taekwoon or made a move himself, which was okay. But in the back of his head, Taekwoon was starting to think that if Hakyeon ever kissed him, Taekwoon would never want to stop kissing back.

“What is this?” Taekwoon asked one night, when they laid in his bed with Hakyeon’s arm thrown loosely around his waist.

Hakyeon didn’t need to ask for clarification on what he meant. The serious tone in Taekwoon’s voice was enough to indicate that they were finally breaching the unspoken topic. “What do you _want_ it to be, sweetheart?”

He was used to the pet names, had been ever since that first dance, but Taekwoon wished he could know if Hakyeon meant them with anything more than his normal air of flirtation. “I… I don’t know. I like this, I like the way that things are. But it’s confusing.”

“What’s confusing?” Hakyeon sat up a bit, the topic waking him up though he’d previously been ready to fall asleep. He’d been waiting for this to come up at some point, after weeks of visiting Taekwoon’s apartment to do nothing but talk and sleep. “Is it the way that we’ve been doing things? Or the way that you feel?”

“I think I know how I feel,” Taekwoon admitted. “So, I guess it’s the way we’re doing things. But I don’t mean that in a bad way.”

“So, you like the way we’re doing things?”

Taekwoon nodded. “I don’t want that to change. If you don’t want them to either, I mean.”

He heard Hakyeon laugh softly. “Who says it has to change?” He sat up entirely then, looking Taekwoon in the eye for the first time since the start of the conversation. “Taekwoon, do you want us to call this something? Do you want to be my boyfriend?”

And there it was, the word that neither of them had spoken once to each other yet had finally dropped.

And looking back into Hakyeon’s almond eyes, Taekwoon answered, “I would like that.”

The corners of Hakyeon’s eyes crinkled when he smiled, like they always did. “Then you can be my boyfriend. And this doesn’t have to change. I’ll still come to your apartment, and talk to you about the universe, and fall asleep next to you.” Taekwoon didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to. Hakyeon could understand it all in his shy smile and the light blush that was creeping onto his cheeks.

Hakyeon wanted to lay down and go back to sleep, but he caught himself staring at Taekwoon’s face -- his boyfriend’s face. More specifically, his lips. “Taekwoon, is it okay if I kiss you?”

Immediately, Taekwoon leaned in and pressed his lips to Hakyeon’s. They were as soft as he’d always expected them to be, and he could faintly taste the berry flavored chapstick he was always applying. Taekwoon’s hand came up to rest gently on the dancer’s cheek, simply because it felt natural. Hakyeon lifted his own hand soon after and laid it on top of Taekwoon’s, and they just kept kissing, gentle and tired but so, so loving. When they did separate, Taekwoon took in the look on Hakyeon’s face -- his dark widened eyes, his soft round cheeks where their hands still rested, his full lips that were flushed and still slightly parted.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally picking this one up again months later !! It's still in progress, I promise. Also idk if anyone noticed, but I made a couple dumb mistakes in previous chapters, I went back and fixed them though so if anyone did notice they're cleared up now.


	5. Chapter 5

Hakyeon was getting so used to going to sleep and waking up with Taekwoon, that the nights spent at his own apartment were beginning to feel very depressing. He could always go stay with Jaehwan -- his friend had made it clear that his place would always be open to Hakyeon if he needed somewhere -- but he was paying for his own, after all, he might as well use it.

He’d bought the place just a few months ago, after two weeks of living with Jaehwan that consisted of constant apartment hunting. He’d needed to get away from his previous home so quickly that he didn’t have time to find another place, and thankfully Jaehwan was quick to take him in, telling him to stay as long as he needed. He also refused to let his friend pay him rent, something which may have pushed Hakyeon to find his own place a bit more quickly. He bought the closest, cheapest place he could find, not worrying about the fact that it was tiny and smelled a little weird and was in a building that was clearly very old. It was something he needed. It was his own place, and for certain reasons he felt like he hadn’t had his “own” place in a long time.

There was another plus side to staying in Jaehwan’s city, besides getting away from his old home and getting to be closer to a friend he rarely saw: Jaehwan had a job at a local gay nightclub, one that was looking to hire more entertainers. Hakyeon had previously worked at a club in his old hometown, but it had been much lower profile, a small place with not quite enough bouncers to keep even the small population totally under control. The pay was low, but it was enough to get by on, enough for Hakeyon. It hadn’t been bad, it really hadn’t, it was the memories that turned the place into something negative in his mind more than anything. But anyway, Hakyeon was very eager for a chance to use his dance skills to work at a place that was similar but much nicer.

Sure, he could have found a job at a grocery store or something a bit more typical, but now that he had the chance, he didn’t really want to. He’d first became a stripper because he needed money and enjoyed dancing, and so the idea seemed fair. But soon enough he was truly enjoying himself despite the quality of the place.

And he enjoyed the club where Jaehwan worked even more than his old place. It was a place where he could let go and dance and show himself off _for_ himself, without worrying about others, because to them, he was just someone beautiful who knew how to move his body. He was just N.

Well, until the adorably shy Taekwoon came along.

Hakyeon wasn’t sure for whose benefit he was moving their relationship so slowly. Sure, he wanted to go slow so he could be sure Taekwoon was comfortable, but Hakyeon himself was actually a bit more terrified than he would let on. The day that he first asked Taekwoon if he wanted to be his boyfriend, and then kissed him, when he returned to the privacy of his own home he cried. It was stupid, why should something so happy make him so afraid?

That question in itself was stupid. He knew exactly why he was afraid.

And so since he no longer had money problems to the extent that he used to, he distracted himself from his fears in his favorite way: he went shopping.

He went online most of the time, when it came to buying things to wear for work. The stores at the mall typically had too tame of a selection for him. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t able to still find cute things at places like Victoria’s Secret, sometimes, and it was easy enough to say he was shopping for his girlfriend. Nobody gave him a second look. On this particular occasion, he searched around a bit, looking for some lingerie that would go well with his new routine for tonight. The usual crowd seemed to like it when he wore things like that, and he enjoyed it too when he was in the mood. In the end, he left the store early that afternoon with a bag containing a pair of underwear and matching bralette, and some stockings that he thought would pull the look together nicely. The woman thanked him when he checked out, telling him he hoped his girlfriend liked her gift.

On his way out of the mall, his phone vibrated with an incoming text.

[Taekwoonie] _i’m off work today. want to come over?_

Hakyeon was happy for the invitation, but before the happiness came a quick flash of worry. Taekwoon wanted to see him, but he’d be leaving for the club later and wouldn’t be able to stay the night unless he came back afterward, and he’d have to leave Taekwoon’s place a bit early if he still wanted to practice his routine in the new outfit and get Jaehwan’s feedback, and… well, what if Taekwoon wasn’t happy with him for having to leave?

His stomach twisted a little, but this was fine. This was good. Taekwoon wanted to see him, and he’d never had any complaints about Hakyeon’s work before, in any sort of way. This was fine. This was fine.

Shaking off the brief panic with the thought of how stupid it was, he typed an answer back to Taekwoon with slightly shaky hands.

[Hakyeon] _i’ll be over in 20, ok? miss you!!_

Hakyeon drove straight to Taekwoon’s place from the mall, arriving 5 minutes earlier than he predicted. He rushed to the door without even dropping his Victoria’s Secret bag, and when he made it, the door was unlocked. “Hey, baby, I missed you last night--”

Before Hakyeon could finish his thought, Taekwoon was shutting the door behind him and pressing Hakyeon against it and kissing him. It was gentle, as always, but insistent, more urgent than their first kiss a few days ago. Letting out a surprised sound, Hakyeon dropped the bag to the floor, winding his arms around Taekwoon’s shoulders and kissing back harder, his eyes falling shut as he took it all in, the feeling of Taekwoon’s body pressed to him, the feeling of his lips parting against Hakyeon’s, the smell of him and his apartment that Hakyeon hadn’t even been away from for long but missed as though it was his home.

When they pulled apart, Taekwoon’s head was lowered, embarrassed. “Hi,” he said quietly.

“Hi.” A laugh escaped Hakyeon, and he gently lifted Taekwoon’s chin with his thumb and forefinger so their eyes met. “Well, that was quite the welcome.”

“I missed you a lot.”

“It’s been like twenty-six hours. Which is to say, it’s been too long, and I missed you too.” Hakyeon hoped he wasn’t turning as red as he felt, if the sudden heat in his face was any indication. _That fucking mouth. God, he’s good at that. Why is he so good at that? And more importantly, why doesn’t he do it more often?_

To distract himself, Hakyeon asked, “What are you thinking?” He brushed Taekwoon’s bangs out of his face. They’d fallen forward when he lowered his head.

“How much I missed you. Just like I said. I’m sorry, should I not have done that? I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything, I’ve just been wanting to kiss you like that for a long time, and I--” He trailed off.

“You very rarely say so much at once uninterrupted, please continue,” Hakyeon teased. He smiled, finding it cute how flustered Taekwoon seemed to suddenly get.

“I just -- should we move first?”

Hakyeon seemed to forget he had been leaning against the door since Taekwoon had initially pinned him to it. “Sure, sure. Why don’t we go sit on the couch?”

Even once they were seated, Hakyeon couldn’t erase the fluttery feeling in his stomach that had occurred when Taekwoon had held him in place and kissed him hard.

“I like it when you kiss me like that, you know? It’s really okay, Taekwoonie. I like it a lot.”

“I just--” Taekwoon sighed, not meeting Hakyeon’s eyes, and that was the moment Hakyeon realized Taekwoon looked like he was actually upset. “I-- You’re--”

“Hey, Woonie, it’s okay. Take your time, but say whatever you need to say.” Hakyeon moved an inch closer, taking Taekwoon’s left hand in both of his own without thinking.

It took a minute, but finally the words came out. “I like you a lot, Hakyeon, I really do. I like listening to you talk. I like hearing about your day, or what you think about things. I like hearing you laugh. I like the way you make me laugh. I like being close to you and looking forward to seeing you again and… I just… I like you for so much more than your body.”

Hakyeon tilted his head, trying to meet Taekwoon’s eyes. “Sweetheart? What is it you’re worried about?”

He sighed, his next words not coming out as strongly. “That you’ll think I’m only with you because of the way we met. Because you danced for me and I thought you were beautiful and I came back to see you dance again, but… it was never about that, you know? It was about you, it was about everything.”

Taekwoon laced his fingers absentmindedly with Hakyeon’s, and in turn Hakyeon squeezed his hand. The dancer hadn’t assumed anything Taekwoon was afraid of, he had never thought for a second that they were only together because of Hakyeon’s job. Maybe he should have been afraid of that, why wasn’t he? Maybe because Taekwoon always seemed so genuine, because he was careful and he was loving and from the moment they met he was already one of the sweetest people Hakyeon knew.

But the twinge of fear came back to him, the same kind that had occurred earlier that day, the same kind that occurred quite often when he thought for an extended amount of time about their relationship. He pushed it to the back of his mind.

“Hey, it’s okay, angel. Don’t you ever worry about that. I wouldn’t be dating you if I thought that was the case. I know that you--” _Love me_ , he had almost said, before cutting himself off just in time. That was a word they definitely weren’t ready to use yet, regardless of how true it might feel.

Taekwoon seemed to catch what Hakyeon had almost said, however, because he nodded. “I do.” There was a pause, which Hakyeon took to continuously think _I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up_. “And I think you do, too. Am I right?”

Well, it was impossible to keep thinking he’d fucked up when Taekwoon was talking to him like _that_. “Yes, I do.”

Taekwoon’s lips pulled into that cute half-smile that Hakyeon adored.

“Is it okay if I talk to _you_ about something, now?”

“What is it?”

Hakyeon’s heart sped up just slightly, that stupid sense of fear returning. _God, this feeling should be gone by now_. “I know you’re saying that you lo-- that you like me for myself, that it doesn’t have anything to do with my job.” Taekwoon nodded. “But, please be honest Taekwoon, does my job bother you? In any way at all, even slightly?”

“Of course not.”

“Please be honest, I’ve seen how awkward you get when you’re in that place.”

Taekwoon shrugged. “It’s not a place that I’m used to. Yeah, I guess I’m not entirely comfortable there, but that doesn’t mean it bothers me that it’s where you work. Does it make you happy?”

 _It shouldn’t_. The answer was yes, but Hakyeon found himself unable to answer. “I just want you to be okay with it. And know that you’re who I want, even if… even if I act differently at the club. Because that’s all it is, it’s an act. I want you to know that.”

“Of course I know. Hakyeon, are your hands shaking?”

He loosened his hold on Taekwoon’s hand and smiled. “I’m okay.”

The rest of the time they spent at Taekwoon’s place was quiet, which was okay, because it was something they both needed after their talk. They kissed some more, but did nothing more than that, and eventually they just put on a movie and Hakyeon curled his body into Taekwoon’s on the couch. Leaving when it was time for work made him anxious, but Taekwoon said it was okay, and so Hakyeon tried to keep those words in the forefront of his mind.

He and Jaehwan, Ken, were some of the first ones at the club that evening, due to Hakyeon wanting time to practice his routine. He ran through it tentatively a couple times, only mimicking the movements instead of putting his all into it. It wouldn’t do to use up his energy too quickly. They were in the dressing room while doing this, Hakyeon doing his little half-dance and Jaehwan in front of a mirror applying some makeup.

“Okay, I think I’m ready to try this whole thing. Let me just get dressed.” He already had what he’d be wearing onstage that night, the only thing he needed to put on was what would go underneath.

“Ooh, what did you bring?” Jaehwan asked curiously, though his eyes didn’t leave the mirror.

“Some new lingerie from…” But Hakyeon trailed off, because the bag wasn’t on the counter. It wasn’t beneath the counter. Or by the door. Or anywhere.

“Huh?” Jaehwan asked, expecting him to continue, but Hakyeon’s mind was going back to when he had entered Taekwoon’s apartment earlier that day, dropping the bag when he was pinned to the door with a kiss.

“Oh, fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel so accomplished, I got this entire chapter done today plus about half of the next! Some more information about Hakyeon in this one, but there's a lot more coming, and it's going to get a bit angsty so I'll be sure to put any possible trigger warnings before chapters when that comes up. I just wanted to hint at it here but not give much away yet.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't know how to write Hakyeon's dance very well, I kind of skimmed over it. So just for context, here's the song I was imagining him dancing to: Mercy by IAMX https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7IYmiwHPHc

Taekwoon knew something was up the minute Hakyeon spoke to him over the phone, the inflection in his voice just a little sweeter than normal. “Hey baby, I hate to bother you, but do you think you could do me a favor?”

His boyfriend was asking almost tentatively, as though Taekwoon could have denied him. It was only 9 in the evening, hardly late since Taekwoon would be awake until Hakyeon left work at least. He liked being able to fall asleep at his side, even if that meant staying up a bit later than normal on his boyfriend’s late nights.

The hesitance in Hakyeon’s voice, paired with the unnatural amount of sweetness, sent up the smallest warning flag in Taekwoon’s mind, more out of curiosity than anything else. _What could he want?_ “Of course, Yeonnie, what is it?”

“Well, do you remember seeing me bring a bag inside when I came to your apartment earlier?”

Taekwoon thought back to that part of the day, trying not to focus too much on the kissing part. “Yeah, I remember. Why?”

“Well, I’ve been practicing a new dance routine, and today I bought something to wear specially for it. I meant to bring it with me to work, but, um, I left it at your place on accident. And I _would_ just forget it for today and wear what I have, but there’s a slight issue with that. I didn’t wear any underwear today.”

 _Oh_.

“I know you get nervous about being at the club, and this is shitty of me to ask of you right after we had that talk, but it would be a _huge_ help if you could bring that for me. You wouldn’t even have to stay, if it makes you that uncomfortable. Actually, you don’t even have to come in if you don’t want to, I can come to the doors, or have Jaehwan do it if I can’t--”

“It’s okay, Hakyeon, I’ll bring it. Don’t worry.” As he talked, Taekwoon scanned the room for the bag in question, and of course he found it on the ground right by the door. “I don’t mind coming in.”

“Okay, if you’re sure,” Hakyeon said sounding a bit more relaxed. “Thank you so much, baby.”

“No problem. I’ll be right there.”

Taekwoon resisted the strong urge to look at the contents of the bag before leaving his apartment with it.

Everything about the nightclub was overwhelming to the hypersensitive Taekwoon, who always seemed to see and hear and feel everything so much more strongly than others. Everything about the club appeared daunting, from the giant neon letters out front spelling “VIXX,”  to the muffled sounds of the crowd inside.

And he hadn’t even entered the front door yet.

It had been a while, considering he hadn’t needed to visit the place to see Hakyeon anymore once they started dating. But he found that most of the initial nervousness about entering the club was still there, making him tempted to just text Hakyeon and have him come meet him. But that would have been ridiculous.

So he made his way inside. He felt a bit silly, carrying in the brown paper bag, but he felt better than he would have if he hadn’t covered the pink Victoria’s Secret bag with anything at all.

He looked around, taking in his surroundings before daring to go look for Hakyeon. His boyfriend had texted and informed him he would be in the dressing rooms, in the back of the building, but Taekwoon knew it would take a minute to gather the courage he’d need to walk through the crowd.

“Hey, Hakyeon’s boyfriend!” Taekwoon turned his head quickly in the direction of the sound to see someone walking fast to meet him. It was Ken, the other dancer who he’d seen the second time he’d came to the club, the one who had had too much fun teasing him about wanting to see Hakyeon. He must also have been the Jaehwan that Hakyeon mentioned on the phone, meaning his boyfriend had taken pity and sent someone to meet him after all.

“Hey, um, I’m here to give this to Hakyeon.” He lifted the bag a few inches. “He left it at my place.”

“Oh, I know. He told me.” Jaehwan winked, and Taekwoon could only roll his eyes. “He’s been in the dressing room fretting over his panties practically since he got here. He wanted me to help you find him, so let’s go. The crowd isn’t gonna part for you, love, you gotta make them move.” Jaehwan grabbed Taekwoon’s free hand and pulled him along, and somehow the crowd _did_ seem to part for him (probably because everyone seemed to stop to admire Ken when he went past, it was impossible to deny that he was pretty).

Taekwoon was caught between closing his eyes until it was over or keeping them wide open so he could make sure he wouldn’t run into someone, but they ended up making it to the back of the club more quickly than Taekwoon expected. Jaehwan led them through a door, down a hall, still clutching Taekwoon’s hand as he knocked on the first door they came to. “Lover boy is here,” he said in a sing-song voice, and Taekwoon was relieved to see Hakyeon open the door, wearing the same casual clothing he’d been wearing earlier.

Hakyeon reached for their clasped hands, pulling Taekwoon’s into his own. “Hey, hands off, this one’s mine,” he said to Jaehwan, making Taekwoon smirk a little bit.

Jaehwan huffed playfully. “Don’t get your panties in a twist. Oh, wait…” Hakyeon shoved him on the shoulder, nearly knocking him out of the doorway.

They entered the dressing room and Hakyeon sighed in relief, taking the bag from his boyfriend’s hands. “Thank you so much, Taekwoon, I really owe you for this.”

“Not at all, it was nothing. It’s nice to have an reason to see you again, anyway.”

“Awww.” Jaehwan held his cheeks in his hands as he observed the conversation, and then quickly dodged another shove from Hakyeon. “Now _this_ is what real romance is. Meeting your significant other at a strip club to bring them their underwear.”

“Don’t you have another layer of makeup to be applying right now?”

“Excuse you, I’m going with a _natural_ look tonight.”

“Sure, that’s why you’re wearing that bold shimmery eyeshadow. I don’t even think that can be called shimmer, looks more like big ass sequins.”

Taekwoon thought he heard Jaehwan mutter something under his breath that sounded a bit like _you’re a big ass sequin_ , which must have meant he ran out of comebacks. Hakyeon peeked inside the bag, rummaging through it to make sure everything was there but not taking any of it out. “I’m gonna go put this on. I have about five minutes before my performance, I’d better be ready.” He leaned in to kiss Taekwoon on the cheek. “It’s okay if you want to leave, baby. I can come over after work if you’re still awake, okay?”

“You know I will be.”

Hakyeon gave what Taekwoon guessed was supposed to be a disapproving look, despite that they were both very much used to staying up so late for each other. “Take care of yourself, I’ll try my hardest not to be too late.”

Taekwoon kissed Hakyeon gently on the corner of the mouth before leaving the dressing room, and taking a moment by himself in the quiet of the hallway. It was peaceful there, where he could listen to the muffled loud noises from back in the main room without having to be part of them. He thought about Hakyeon, about how he spent almost every day here, dancing and performing and having a good time, with so many people around. It wasn’t something Taekwoon could ever see _himself_ doing, but he wanted to be happy for his boyfriend. He _was_ happy for him, dancing seemed to be something that he really enjoyed, yet for how much time Taekwoon had spent with him, he’d hardly seen him dance at all…

That was when he made the decision to stay for Hakyeon’s act. He’d received lapdances from him, had him attempt to actually dance _with_ him, but he’d never seen him up on that stage, front and center and performing for everyone to see. Taekwoon speed-walked out of the hallway and back through the door, knowing Hakyeon would be emerging soon. A small crowd of club-goers had formed by the stage, interested to see N’s act for tonight. Taekwoon found a decent place to stand by the corner of the stage, a little bit back so that he wasn’t rivaled by the people aiming to stand in the front. He fidgeted a lot while waiting, checking his phone repeatedly without really knowing what he was checking. It felt strange being here, somehow, among all these people who didn’t know Hakyeon at all beyond the persona he showed onstage.

Not everybody in this particular crowd was watching the stage. Many of them were just doing their own thing, but the stage gained more attention when a voice came on to announce a new dance routine by N. Some people let out cheers, and then Hakyeon stepped out.

He was still wearing his casual clothes, simply a white button-up shirt and jeans (if he was going to dance, he must not have been planning to keep those pants on for very long), the only visible difference being that now he wasn’t wearing shoes. It was hard to see in the colored lighting that was now hitting the stage, but it looked like Hakyeon might have been wearing… red socks? Taekwoon couldn’t tell.

From looking at Hakyeon’s eyes alone, he could already tell he was lost in his own world. Blissful was the only word Taekwoon had for the current look on the dancer’s face. And then the music started, some electric-sounding song that he didn’t know. The music swept up Hakyeon’s body, and he was lost to it.

The times that Taekwoon had seen Hakyeon dance before were brief, casual, simply Hakyeon having fun with it. This was on another level, this was a performance that Hakyeon was putting his all into, Taekwoon could tell, although the way he moved made it appear so effortless. His movements were fluid and graceful, and when he ran his hands down his body Taekwoon caught himself wishing those could be his own hands instead. His hips moved to the beat of the music in a way that should not have been legal. It was purely sexual, more sexual than anything Taekwoon had seen from his boyfriend who loved cuddling and watching movies and talking about the universe. And he loved it.

This was a completely different Hakyeon. N was in full control, dominating the music and teasing the crowd before even removing anything. Taekwoon had been right about the pants before, they were the first to come off. And Taekwoon’s eyes widened when they did -- Hakyeon had been wearing something underneath. Thin red stockings ones that came up to his mid-thighs, and matched the lace panties that peeked out from under the hem of his shirt.

The shirt came off much more slowly, but Taekwoon was too focused on the dance to notice. Hakyeon was taking much more time to dance now that he could move his legs more freely. However, when Hakyeon did unbutton the shirt entirely and pull it down to show his shoulders, he was turned away from the crowd, and it took Taekwoon a moment to realize what the straps on his shoulders were. Before he could register it, the white shirt was on the floor, and he spun around to strut upstage.

Hakyeon was down to only the layer underneath his clothes for the rest of the song, but the dancing didn’t stop, in fact it only seemed to become more sensual until the song’s electric beat began to fade out. His cheeks were flushed, but Taekwoon guessed it was more due to exertion under those lights rather than any form of embarrassment. If the blissful smile on his face was any indication, he’d been enjoying this very much.

 _He should_ , Taekwoon thought. _He’s beautiful. He’s too good at this._

The crowd’s attention dwindled away, now that the act was over and they would be waiting for the next performer. But Taekwoon couldn’t take his eyes off Hakyeon, who was picking up his discarded clothes with a smirk before leaving the stage. He was still putting on a show, facing away from the crowd and bending over further than was necessary to show everyone just how nice his ass looked in the lacy red panties.

Well, that was certainly something.

Taekwoon figured he should go ahead and leave. He knew Hakyeon would call him later, and then Taekwoon would be able to tell him that he had stayed to watch, and how absolutely beautiful the routine had been. But for now, he wanted to leave. Maybe he was just too in shock to face Hakyeon directly after that show. He might not be able to keep from kissing the fuck out of him the second he saw him. He kept his head down on the way to the front doors, but suddenly someone grabbed him by the back of his shirt, making him jolt and pull away.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” Taekwoon huffed when he realized it was only Jaehwan. “Hey, before you leave, can we talk?”

Taekwoon shrugged, too taken by surprise to say no. “Sure, if you want.” Jaehwan grabbed his hand -- he really needed to stop doing that -- and pulled him through the crowd, to the bathroom. It was empty, and Taekwoon didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing for the situation.

“So. You and Hakyeon are together now?” Taekwoon nodded hesitantly, pulling his hand out of Jaehwan’s grip. “He seems to like you a lot.”

“What is this about?”

Jaehwan sighed, and for the first time since Taekwoon met him, he looked completely serious. It was a little disconcerting. “I just, I care about Hakyeon a lot. I’m not in love with him or anything, that’s not what I’m saying, but I am his best friend. And when he moved here, I promised I was gonna help keep him safe.”

“Safe from what?”

“Anyone that might try to hurt him.”

“I would never--” He was quickly cut off.

“I know you wouldn’t. Well, I don’t know, but you don’t seem the type. Either way, I don’t assume. So you need to know that Hakyeon has people who care about him very much, and aren’t gonna let him get hurt anymore. You need to know that he deserves all the love in the universe, after the shit he’s gone through.”

Taekwoon knitted his brows. “Wait, what has he--”

“Just shit. It’s not my place to tell you that, so please don’t let him know I talked to you about any of this. Just keep it in mind. Hakyeon deserves the best. And if you’re going to have a problem with what he does for a living, even a slight problem, either bring it up now or leave. He deserves to know.” Jaehwan spoke with no harshness in his voice, just an immense care for his best friend. He actually sounded sort of worried.

“Don’t worry, I don’t have a problem with it.” At Jaehwan’s doubtful stare, he continued, “If I did, I would talk to Hakyeon about it. I promise. Okay?”

Jaehwan nodded, and sighed again. “Sorry. I needed to get that out. I just didn’t expect him to start dating again this soon.”

 _This soon after what_ , Taekwoon wanted to ask, but he refrained.

“Just… Before you left the dressing room, he said ‘I’ll try my hardest not to be too late,’ remember? When he says things like that, pay attention. Make sure he knows that what he’s doing is okay.”

“Of course it’s okay, this is his job, I have nothing to do with it.”

“Then remind him of that. I know it might sound dumb from an outside perspective, but make sure he remembers that he’s in control of what he does, not anyone else. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. Anyway, I’ll let you go. Just, please keep this in mind. And don’t tell Hakyeon we talked about it, not yet at least. He’ll tell you what happened when he’s ready, I’m sure.”

Taekwoon nodded, too much in his head for him to know how to reply.

The next few weeks passed strangely. The next day was normal, and the next, but gradually Taekwoon noticed Hakyeon seeming to close off a bit. It couldn’t have had anything to do with the night Taekwoon brought him his bag, could it? He did end up telling Hakyeon that he’d watched him perform, and that he was amazing, and Hakyeon had _seemed_ happy. Could that be the issue, though? Did Taekwoon ruin something by staying and watching? Was it because he hadn’t told Hakyeon he was going to do it?

Just like that, the old worries were back. He thought they’d faded long ago, after he’d brought them to the surface and admitted them to Hakyeon. But now, with the ever so slight change in his boyfriend’s attitude, he wasn’t sure.

Hakyeon still visited Taekwoon, still spent the night, but he seemed on edge. That was the only way Taekwoon could think to phrase it. Nights were okay, when they went to sleep, but Hakyeon was talking less. He’d opt for turning on a movie rather than having a conversation. He’d fall asleep earlier. And when morning came, he seemed much more cautious about leaving.

It was now going on two days that they hadn’t gotten together, and Taekwoon was beginning to feel just as on edge as Hakyeon had seemed. He’d texted a few hours ago to see if Hakyeon would be up for visiting tonight, but there was no reply. It was a dumb thing to get worked up over, he knew, but Hakyeon was always the kind of person who responded to texts as quickly as he saw them. It was making Taekwoon worried.

He supposed there was nothing left to do but pick up the phone and call him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst coming in the next chapter. I have most of it written already so it should be posted fairly soon!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is where it gets a bit darker, so pay attention to the new tags. Just to clarify some things, none of the abuse happens between Taekwoon and Hakyeon. A character with a made-up name is involved because it doesn't seem right to me to write about a real person as such a character. The abuse discussed is not sexual and it isn't talked about in much detail. Just wanted to be sure to have a thorough warning so that nobody is triggered or made uncomfortable. Anyway, sorry for the slow update, and thank you so much to everyone who's left kudos or comments on this story. <3

“Yeah, I’m just really not feeling well today babe, I’m sorry.”

“Are you sure there’s nothing I can do? Do you want me to come over? I can bring movies to watch, or soup, or medicine if you need it…”

“Don’t worry about it angel, I don’t want to get you sick.” Hakyeon almost teared up at how much he wanted to accept Taekwoon’s offer, but he couldn’t, because he was not actually sick. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay,” Taekwoon said, sounding doubtful or disappointed or worried or a mix of all three. “Take care of yourself. I love you.”

“I love you too, Woonie.”

_End call._

Hakyeon knew this was coming sooner or later. He’d been able to feel it just faintly in his interactions with Taekwoon, when the topic of his job was brought up, or when he thought about where their relationship was going.

Everything was perfectly fine, it was _great_ in fact, so why was the fear seeping in and making his hands shake every time he arrived at or left Taekwoon’s place?

It was because he was moving too fast, this was all happening too quickly. Hakyeon was getting too attached, he was falling too hard, and soon enough he was going to hit the ground. Caring about someone so much could be dangerous, just look where it had gotten him last time. He just needed to slow down. That was all. Create a bit of distance, take some time.

He wanted to tell Jaehwan about this problem, but it would only make his friend worry. It would make him say _I told you so, maybe it’s still too early to date, maybe_ \-- and this next thought was nobody’s but Hakyeon’s -- _maybe he’ll turn out just like Sangchul_.

Three months, two weeks, and five days before Taekwoon showed up at the strip club for Wonshik’s bachelor party, Cha Hakyeon was sitting by himself in an alleyway, slumped against the wall of a building. There was a slow trickle of blood coming from a scrape on the back of his head that he wasn’t yet aware of. He was too preoccupied with trying to mentally count the bruises on his body without lifting his hands to touch them. Didn’t feel like moving. It was harder than he’d expected-- the throbbing areas on his skin all seemed to blur together. His body was one giant wound.

In the back of his mind, he knew it wasn’t that bad. There was the scrape on his head and some bruises on his back from being slammed against the wall, plus a few fingerprints pressed into his upper arms. That was it. But the bruises seemed to multiply with the force of the words that echoed in his head. The words Sangchul had said hurt worse than any of the physical injuries.

It happened when Hakyeon left work for that night. He was surprised to see his boyfriend waiting outside for him. Surprised, but instead of questioning Sangchul, Hakyeon immediately felt ashamed of himself.

 _I told you to stay home tonight._  Sangchul's voice started off soft enough at first. A completely normal tone, but Hakyeon recognized a warning when he heard it. _Just for tonight. That was all I asked._

 _I know, baby, I’m sorry… But I can’t just not show up to my job, you know that…_ His own soft reply was cautious. Always had to tread on eggshells, make sure each word came out soft and careful and didn’t push past the line. Hakyeon never seemed to know exactly where that line might be.

_You think I don’t see you with those perverts? You know all they do is come to this place to see how pretty you are, and pay to have you dance and strip and put your hands all over them, and then jizz their pants to the thought of you. I’m your boyfriend, how the fuck is that supposed to make me feel?_

There had been more, but the words bled together in his fuzzy memory. He remembered trying to make more weak excuses. _I h_ _ave to make money, I still love you no matter what, the men that visit the club don’t mean anything, they’re all just customers_ \-- but suddenly his feet were slipping on the rain-slicked pavement because he was being dragged into the alley by the club, and then he felt his head smack against the brick wall.

Everything got a little blurry after that.

Sangchul hadn’t meant to let Hakyeon’s head hit the wall so hard, right? And surely he hadn’t meant to dig his fingers so aggressively into his skin, he just didn’t realize what he was doing, but Hakyeon couldn’t speak the words to let him know he needed to ease up. He couldn't speak over the words that his boyfriend was saying, something about _slut_ , something about _you’re betraying me_ , something about _if you really loved me_ , and by then Hakyeon was too preoccupied with apologizing to say anything in his own defense.

_I’m sorry, baby, I’m so so sorry…_

Hakyeon couldn’t remember when Sangchul had left. Couldn’t remember if it was before or after his body had slumped to the ground. Either way, he probably just needed to cool down. And he was giving Hakyeon his own time to cool down, too. That was a relief, that was nice of him. He’d be back any second to help Hakyeon to his feet and walk him back to his apartment, soft apologies on his lips and promises never to do it again. Just like last time.

But this time, it seemed to be taking him longer to come back. Hakyeon kept his half-open eyes on the pavement, watching the rain fall, waiting to see his boyfriend’s feet turn the corner and break up the shiny puddles. But those puddles kept filling slowly with rain, and eventually Hakyeon allowed his eyes to close entirely.

_It’s okay. He’ll be back._

Breathe in. Breathe out. Just keep breathing. Breathe… breathe… bre…

Hakyeon’s lungs were acting erratically, forgetting the breathing exercises that Jaehwan had taught him to use for anxiety attacks. Since that wasn’t working, he frantically tried to remember one of the other calming methods, eyes darting around the room. The room, his room, his apartment. That’s right, he was supposed to take in his surroundings and ground himself, as a reminder that he was safe. Not back in that alley, not in the apartment he’d shared with Sangchul, not leaving the old strip club with a feeling of dread in his stomach.

He was home. A home that he could return to without being afraid of getting yelled at, or hit, or having to speak carefully enough to keep those things from happening. He was home. That was good, that thought steadied his breathing a bit. But he was still teetering on the edge of an attack. What was that calming method with the five senses, again? Hakyeon stood up from the floor, feeling a little off balance, but making his way to his bed to sit down somewhere more comfortable.

 _Five things you can see_. Well, there were the walls, with their ugly peeling wallpaper. His phone, which sat on the bedside table, holding those unanswered messages from Taekwoon that he felt terrible about. The last book he had read (Us, Gods, by Bernard Werber) laying on the floor. His hands, wringing continuously in his lap. The sky out the window, clouded over but a relief to see. _There we go, we’re getting somewhere._

 _Four things you can touch_. He didn’t want to move off the bed, so he ran his hands through his hair, feeling the smooth texture of the strands that were growing a bit long. From his hair, they moved down his face, his skin that he always took such good care of. Then the thick fabric of his cozy hoodie that he liked to wear when he was at home. Finally his hands gripped the thin bedsheets, rubbing them between his fingers.

 _Three things you can hear_. Well, his breathing for one. It always sounded too loud in times like this, when he had to resort to these methods. The cars driving by outside. The footsteps of someone walking down the hallway outside his apartment. That sound made him tense up a bit, and he was scared he was going to have to start over from five, but then they faded and he gave himself a second to regulate his breathing before continuing. He was safe.

 _Two things you can smell_. As always, there was the natural old smell of the apartment building. There wasn’t much else, but he darted his eyes around quickly for an idea, relieved when he remembered what was resting at the end of his bed. He’d borrowed one of Taekwoon’s sweaters recently, and it was still there. And since Taekwoon himself wasn’t present to relieve Hakyeon’s anxiety, Hakyeon lifted the sweater to his face, closed his eyes and took a deep breath, reminding himself of how at home he felt when he was in Taekwoon’s arms, his face pressed to his chest when he was wearing one of his many cozy sweaters.

 _And one thing you can taste_. He’d always thought this one was stupid, but it gave him an idea anyway. With one last deep breath he dropped the sweater, feeling much calmer, and made his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

This gave him something to complete the technique, and it also gave him a way to feel clean. Full blown anxiety attacks were rare for Hakyeon, and they always left him feeling a little unclean, somehow. He supposed it was because the attacks themselves only served to remind him more of his time with Sangchul, when he’d been having those same kinds of attacks at a much higher frequency.

It was a strange feeling when you knew only one thing could calm you down, but that thing was the very same thing you were afraid of in the first place. He wasn’t afraid of Taekwoon, god, he didn’t _want_ to be afraid of him. It was just that the further they went in their relationship, the more memories of Sangchul rose to the surface of Hakyeon’s mind. Nobody could love Hakyeon as much as Sangchul had, that was what his ex boyfriend had drilled into his mind over and over until it became an undeniable fact. Ever since their breakup, Jaehwan had been trying to help Hakyeon replace that fact with what he said was the truth: that the way Sangchul had treated Hakyeon was with anything but love.

It was hard for Hakyeon to know who to believe anymore.

At that point, he realized he’d been brushing his teeth quite aggressively for some time, enough that his gums had practically gone numb. He sighed, spitting into the sink, more annoyed than concerned when he noticed the blood.

 _“Why can’t you just get a grip? Why are you freaking out all the time?”_  The voice in his head practically made it feel like Sangchul was there. It was how he’d always reacted to Hakyeon’s anxiety in the past. If it got worse, Hakyeon might start shaking, and Sangchul might raise a hand just to see him flinch a whole foot away. He might roll his eyes. _“I wasn’t gonna do anything."_   _Sure, not that time._ _"Y_ _ou're_ _so fucking jumpy. It’s annoying. Stop.”_

No. He had to stop thinking about him, or he’d be freaking out all over again, and he didn’t want that. Jaehwan wouldn’t want that. Taekwoon wouldn’t want that.

Taekwoon.

Hakyeon left the bathroom, picking his phone up off the bedside table with a hand that still shook with the aftereffects of anxiety. He couldn’t stay quiet, could he? There was too much that would remain unexplained if he didn’t warn Taekwoon that he was a bomb that might go off at the slightest red flag.

It was already bad enough he’d been ignoring Taekwoon. Eventually Taekwoon would notice that questions set off alarms in Hakyeon’s mind. He’d notice him not wanting to talk about his job. He’d notice him being nervous to leave when they were together. He’d notice the anxiety, the treading on eggshells, the expectations that of course things were going to go downhill at some point because that’s just how relationships go, and all Hakyeon could do was try to be a _good boyfriend_.

Before he could lose his nerve, Hakyeon unlocked the phone. Really, it was only fair to warn him, either so that he knew Hakyeon had a reason for his strange behavior and still loved him, or so that he could leave before Hakyeon got any weirder.

“Hello?” One word from Taekwoon and already Hakyeon could feel tears welling up in his eyes, but changing his mind now would have been stupid.

“Hey, Taekwoon? I'm sorry to bother you, but on second thought, do you think you could come over?”

“Of course, I -- Hakyeon, are you crying?”

“Please just come.”

“What's wro -- yeah, yeah okay, I’ll be there as soon as I can, sweetheart.”


End file.
